i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
