The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
