next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize