he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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