found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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