I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
