Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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