we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
