first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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