Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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