3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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