i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
