I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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