When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
