I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
