U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
