Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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