I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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