Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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