6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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