Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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