i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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