Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
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