I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
