Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
