Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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