i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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