i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize