dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
