I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
