this beer tastes like vomit already
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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