Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
She announced her abortion via fbk
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
