I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
