Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
