That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
