Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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