the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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