after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
