i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize