just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
