i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
