Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
smell my finger.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
