Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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