if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
