I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
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