I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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