Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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