I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
