I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
