My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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