i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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