and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
