TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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