you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
