when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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