I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
