In the future we'll all be gay
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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