im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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