Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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