Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
